Humour from people funnier than me: text messages I have received

Someone pointed me in the direction of overheard everywhere.

For some reason I immediately thought of the random musings I have been sent by text message over the years. Sometimes someone sends me a text message which is so amusing that I keep it in my cellphone for future reference. The oldest message I kept in my phone simply said "Am about to have sex", which I kept for four years. The message was sent at 743am. The only reason I don't still have it is that I lost my phone. From my current archives, in no particular order:

'Cheers dude. Ive just had a disasterous trip to the shop. Im not leaving this party until I can.' Received 2pm.
'Im back and dying on the couch'. Received two hours later.

'I just had the best tube announcement: if you want to stop between tower hill and gloucester road... This tube will take you!' Received 730pm, I think this was after a Waitangi Day circle line pub crawl.

'Got so Pissed last night i can't feel my face! What time are you arriving?' Received 1pm. I had arrived.

'Um. Sure. New bathroom. Nice' In response to me asking if I could visit for a weekend.

'I still have my sweet heart though as our tolerance and drive thin our trousers grow bigger as does our love. Some cats can do relations big nuts is still boffing sharon from milan.' I sent this to myself for some reason.

'If anyone knows where the petrol cap button is on a Merc A Series or [is] near a web connect[ion], please can u ring me and tell me where it is!'